Something I keep hearing from clients lately is a version of the same story. They didn't really choose their career path; they fell into it. Through timing, practicality, or just doing what made sense at the time. And for a while, it worked. But now, after a layoff or a burnout or just a quiet accumulation of not-quite-rightness, they're pausing and asking: what's next for me? And how do I even know if I'm doing well enough anymore?
At the heart of those questions is something deeper: how we define success and who gets to define it.
The problem with chasing external rewards
Most workplaces are almost entirely built around extrinsic motivation — the bonus, the title, the promotion, the recognition. Work harder now and the reward will come later. Put in longer hours so you're seen as committed. Sacrifice a little more, just for this season.
The problem is that extrinsic motivation fades. The raise that felt exciting a month ago? You've already forgotten it. And then you're chasing the next thing. That cycle isn't a character flaw — it's a design feature of how most organizations operate. They need you to keep wanting the next reward.
Contrast that with intrinsic motivation: doing something because it's meaningful, energizing, or genuinely enjoyable in itself. For me, that looks like gardening, long walks, cooking, and honestly — coaching, being in conversation with people, making this podcast. Things I'd do even if nobody was watching and I wasn't getting paid. There's something about them that feels soul-nourishing in a way no bonus ever has.
This doesn't mean extrinsic rewards are bad. We all have bills. We all need to pay for housing, food, daycare. But when success is defined only externally — by titles, promotions, other people's approval — it becomes exhausting to sustain. And it makes it very hard to know when you've actually arrived anywhere.
Success isn't static and it shouldn't be
Earlier in your career, success might have looked like growth, visibility, saying yes to everything, proving yourself by putting in long hours. Speed. The climb. That's not wrong ; it's what that season called for.
But now? Success might look more like stability. Flexibility. Alignment. Having energy left at the end of the day to give to the other parts of your life — your kids, your partner, something you love that has nothing to do with work. That's not settling. That's a different season with different needs.
The shift I see so often in my work is from asking "does this look good?" to asking "does this feel right?" That's not a small shift. In a culture that rewards visibility, productivity, and constant upward movement, it can feel countercultural. But it's also deeply grounding — once you find it.
The practice:
Redefining success starts with knowing your values. They're your North Star — especially when things feel uncertain. Grab a piece of paper (or just pause and reflect) and sit with these questions. You don't need perfect answers. Just notice what comes up.
When have you experienced a peak moment in your life?
A time when you were fully present, in the zone, having real impact. What were you doing? Who were you with? How did it feel in your body?
Who is someone you admire or feel inspired by — and why?
What qualities do they embody? What feels resonant about the way they move through the world? Who you admire says a lot about what's important to you.
What's a moment you're really proud of?
It doesn't need to look impressive on paper. It just has to be meaningful to you. What were you doing? What makes you proud?
What's made you angry or deeply frustrated lately?
Anger is one of my favorite pieces of data — for myself and for my clients. It usually points to a value that's been violated, or an area where you felt disrespected. That signal matters.
Look back at your answers and notice the patterns. When I reflect on the moments I'm most proud of, they almost always involve overcoming something or learning something new. That tells me learning is a core value — and that success, for me, means being in an environment where I can keep growing, not just climbing.
When I've ignored that value, I've felt it everywhere: restless, drained, unmotivated. Your values work the same way. They're telling you something, whether you've named them or not.
This episode of In Her Words is available wherever you listen to podcasts. If this resonated, pass it to someone who might need the reminder that they get to decide what success means.