Last Thursday, I sat down with career strategist Amy Santee to talk about something we both know intimately: what happens when your identity and your work become so intertwined you can't tell where one ends and the other begins.
We didn't come to this conversation as people who've solved it. We came as two people still working through it; an anthropologist turned career strategist, and a former VP turned coach. Different paths, same undertones.
Where it starts
For both of us, it started early. School, straight A's, gifted programs, the reward of being the smart one, the capable one, the one who could be counted on. That reward system doesn't stop at graduation, it just changes shape. You get promoted for working overtime. You get praised for never dropping the ball. And slowly, without ever deciding to, you start answering "who are you" with your job title.
This isn't a personal failing. It's the system working exactly as designed. The myth of meritocracy tells us that if we put in the work, we'll get the reward; and if we don't get it, that's on us, not the system. Add in the idea that work is one of the only "acceptable" addictions in our culture; you're never told to cut back on ambition and you have a machine that runs on people mistaking their output for their worth.
The practice: Notice how you introduce yourself at a party. If it starts with your job title, ask yourself what else is true about you that didn't make the cut.
What a layoff actually takes from you
I've been laid off three times in the last four years. The first time nearly broke the belief system I'd built my whole life on ; that if you work hard enough, you're safe. By the third, I wasn't surprised anymore, but the grief was still real.
Here's what I've learned: most people skip the grief and go straight into fight-or-flight, straight into applying for the next thing. That's understandable; bills don't pause for your feelings, but skipping the grief doesn't make it go away. It just delays it.
The practice: Before you rebuild, grieve. Even a few days. Ask yourself: what am I proud of? What did I learn? Who am I without the role?
Building something that doesn't depend on your title
Neither of us has this fully figured out. But a few things have genuinely helped: therapy, for learning to notice the inner critic before it runs the show. Hobbies that have nothing to do with productivity; for me, that's gardening, dancing, and the radical act of taking a nap. And naming your values specifically enough that you can actually check your life against them, instead of vaguely knowing you "value balance."
The biggest one, though, is this: don't do it alone. Shame grows in isolation. The antidote is telling a friend, a peer, a stranger in a room full of people who get it; what's actually going on.
The practice:Pick one value you claim to hold and ask yourself honestly: does my week actually reflect it? Not your five-year plan. This week.
If you missed the conversation, you can watch the recording now available wherever you stream your podcasts.
Upcoming Events
This Thursday 9/24 at 4pm EST, I have the final session in our event series. I’ll be sitting down with Vivianne Castillo to chat all about what it actually takes to build work that fits, on your terms.
With warmth,
Roberta
Ways to work with me
Spark Session: A focused one hour session to help you get traction. You’ll get out of your head and support from someone who sees it differently.
Chaos to Clarity Intensive: A focused 3 hour intensive to help you make that career decision you’ve been avoiding. You’ll walk away with clarity, a concrete next step, and the momentum to actually take it.